something that's really bothersome about having alexithymia is that people treat you like a puzzle
and i get that, to people without alexithymia, it can sound really bizarre. i have so little understanding of my own emotions that i lived a lot of my life thinking i didn't have any. hell, i think it's strange that some people don't have alexithymia - i only found out that people can just tell they're sad when i was sixteen. it makes sense that, when i mention it, it confuses people, and they want to ask questions
the issue comes when people start treating it like a game they have to figure out.
today i was talking to my mom about something and alexithymia came up in the conversation. she's never really understood it, it often feels like every time i bring it up is the first time for her. and somehow this got to the topic of, "well, if you can't tell what your emotions are, how come you're excited about us moving?"
at the time, i didn't have an answer. i struggle to voice my own thoughts when i'm put on the spot, much more so when they involve emotions because, as i said, i don't just intrinsically recognise them. i didn't even realise her question bothered me until a few hours had passed and she already fell asleep. but heres my answer to that:
after we moved into this new apartment, i felt pretty bad about it. (i can generally tell if i'm feeling "good" or "bad" without much effort.) it took me a while to figure out the apartment was what i was feeling bad about, though. i just knew i felt generally bad, and sometimes it was more prevalent than others. it took me a solid six months to realise that the issue was purely accessibility: in my current apartment, i can't go outside without exiting down a long flight of stairs, which is an issue since i am a wheelchair user. while i can walk up and down that flight of stairs on my best days, it still causes me significant issues, so my bedroom feels like a prison. i want to go outside, and i can't.
so, as soon as i realised that, i told my mom, and luckily, she was able to start looking for houses. and soon, we found one.
this new house, i feel very generally good about. i get the whole basement to myself, as my own apartment, since total independence isn't an option for me. i can still get support if i need it. i can use my chair. it's only a single step for me to be outside. these are all things i wanted, and soon, i will get them, and i feel good. and i also know that i think about it a lot, and i want it to come sooner.
and, from what i know, wanting good things to come sooner is essentially the thought process behind excitement.
that's how i work a lot of things out. once i am aware something is wrong or right, i spend a lot of time thinking about it. i think about the physical sensations in my body, and my specific thoughts, and what people might say they feel in a situation, and i try to piece it together to figure out what emotion i feel. but 99% of the time, if you ask me how i'm feeling and i answer honestly, the answer is, "neutral." because i don't really feel those things, at least, not in a way my brain picks up. i have to discover it. i am my own puzzle
and it bothers me to have people act like, somehow, they caught me. when i say i'm excited, and someone goes, "well how do you know that?" because the answer is, "it takes a lot of work." or sometimes the answer is, "i'm just saying it because that's how i probably should feel," or, "i'm guessing." i've had eighteen years in my own mind. i've figured some things out.
it also sucks because i can't really say any of this to people because, again, it takes a lot of time to process it. everything i know about my emotions is based on a hell of a lot of contemplation and a lot of words. that takes time. time that i don't have in the middle of a conversation
basically: even if me having alexithymia doesn't make sense to you, don't try and find a way for me to not have it. if i say i feel something, you didn't "catch me." alexithymia does not mean i can't feel, it means i am not aware of or able to properly explain what i am feeling. regardless of whether or not it makes sense to you, i have it.
